Funny Quotes - 2

• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. (not a clue!)
• When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. (maybe Will Rogers)
• A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor
• There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. (not a clue!)
• I have met a lot of hardboiled eggs in my time, but you're twenty minutes. Oscar Wilde
• A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to rouse the interest, but long enough to cover the essentials. (not a clue!)
• A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on. Samual Goldwyn
• The road to success is always under construction. Lily Tomlin
• A man's only as old as the woman he feels. Groucho Marx
• If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button. Sam Levenson
• Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. (not a clue!)
• Love is like a booger. You keep picking at it until you get it, then wonder what to do with it. (not a clue!)
• I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere. George Burns

View All 4,200 Funny Quotes

• What you call dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come. (not a clue!)
• I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde
• Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. Oprah Winfrey
• The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. Tom Waits
• Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers
• Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! (not a clue!)
• Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. Erma Bombeck
• Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die. Peter Tosh
• Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no lies. - Proverb
• If your boss is getting you down, look at him through the prongs of a fork and imagine him in jail.David Brent
• Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Mae West
• The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory. Paul Fix
• It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on. (nude calendar picture) Marilyn Monroe
• A man in the house is worth two in the street. (not a clue!)

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